recently met Randy. well actually had known him for a long time. but it's only through the sgboy profile. and then talk thru occasionally on msn.

one day, he smsed me and said wanna go out for supper? well y not? i am at harbourfront that day, just went for my meeting at the centre, and so rush down to orchard to meet him.

first meeting was great. we talked a lot. and then we agree to meet up for movie. the first movie we watched was the lakehouse. haha imagine so many couples there, and we are the only guys. oh ya need to clarify, we are only friends then.

and from there, we always talk everyday, via sms of course. it is only a couple of months later then i call him on his phone.

and then, i had started out wanting to know more friends. who knows, i ended up having feelings for him. love is such a complicating thing. after talking to some friends, well, i think, it is better for me to just enjoy out times together. no need to rush through the whole process. if he is meant for me, he will. :)

going to do my tutorial now. haha

oops 3 months later and i am back here.

anyway, these few months had been super happening. one thing is, exams!!! so damn stressful...

the next? well there's a straight person who knows abt me in gakkai. lol. well maybe just as good. i have a load removed from my heart. i really hates to hide things, and so it is so difficult to keep my identity a secret.

anyway, recently finally get to meet a guy whom i have known since december. he is also from gakkai. he is 20 years older than me, and of course, there will be an age gap. he is very nice. talk a lot with him, over things form politics to gakkai, to relationship. he is currently facing some relationship problems but i believe that he is able to overcome it. he is a strong man, but then being strong, one will also have a tinge of weakness. sometimes we will feel weak, after a long period of being mentally taxed. it's bad. therefore we really need to really know how to approach our problems and have a clear determination. i do admit i will lose my focus at times, but i will try to keep in focus.

recently been losing my focus. is it a post exam blues? i dunno. i seems to have a lot of things to do, and i dunno how to start. i think i will write a schedule and write down what i need to achieve by the end of the month. interview is coming too, and i also need the courage. i really am a timid person, nv been to an interview before, and dunno how to do it. i dun even know what to wear to the interview. haha. i will go back to my books and read up on what i need to know abt the subject.

anyway to clarify, this is not jus an aj blog, but that of my life. hehe. my aj part of me is not separated from my "normal life".

anyway, it has been weeks since i quarrelled with alvin. i know it is my fault for looking at his sms, but then, i jus cannot stand it anymore when i know fully well who has been cheating my feelings. it is such a dilemma.

everything started when we went to the chinese new year river hongbao. well as usual he got his frens along. ok, fine. i still needs time to get used to it. well i am silent as usual. i mean what to say when the only person i know is him? i think it's the case with rest of them. he always get people who dunno each other to tag along. i dunno if the rest feel it is awkward or not, i do feel kinda weird.

well i am very silent. i dunno what to say. he also has to entertain his frens. ok, i know. but then, as we were walking down the stalls, i saw something i shouldnt have seen. that guy who is supposed to be his fren actually tried to hold his hand discreetly. i was stunned. i really have nothing to say. i mean, have u ever seen frens trying to hold each other's hands discreetly? worse, he is using his fingers to scratch his palm. that's it. i have seen enuf. i tried to hold my anger and sadness. it's really too much for me to bear.

i think i cannot hold my anger well. i did make a scene, by refusing to let him feed me some icecream. he knows i am angry, but i think he dunno i am angry at what i had seen.

that's the beginning of the downfall.

valentine's day, i am bz. there is no way i can take the time to look for him. i have lessons till late. in fact, i did not even go to my bazaar stall, as i really wanted to finish my lessons soon and hope can meet him. well i dunno he had made arrangements to go out on this day. ok stunned again. i didnt hope to meet him as it would be last min, but then that last trace of hope still lingers. imagine he is eating at cafe cartel for lunch. haiz. i have never eaten there, and when i said that, he said "huh it's cartel u know. u have never eaten there?" it's true. do i have the luxury to go to these restaurants to eat with my low allowance? does he understand that? at night i called him again, as i really wanted to talk to him. well he is eating at outback. i know he is not alone. there is no way he will be alone. i know he is a person who likes company.

my disappointment lingers. maybe he is not the man for me? i do not know. i cannot stand it anymore, that's y i look at his sms.

i have decided after much consideration, that he is not the man for me. yes, he will have somethings to say abt me, like i dun have the heart to buy some stuff after i promised him, or like i am blur, or do not know how to do things. yes, it's my shortfall, but will i go to the extent to flirt around? i have hurt the hearts of 3 men b4 me. the first one is bcos i am confused. the second one is we always quarrel, cos we are too stubborn. the third one is we simply separated silently as we got further apart with the lack of seeing each other. he is not free when i am free, and i am not free when he is free. guess it's my chance to be hurted...

the situation with my third bf and me is very similar to the problem faced by my fren this time. he is scared the both of them will find less time to see each other and eventually, the love will be gone. i simply cant bear to let this happen to my fren. i wanna help him no matter what as i dun wan the same problem to surface in his and his bf's lives.

i admit i am blur, but i am not stupid. in fact, i know more things than i look. it is unfortunate that i will have to break off this time. i really like him. in fact, i still feel i cannot let go. i still wan him back. but then, i tell myself, if i continue to be stuck in this delusion, i will not be able to grow up. i am not materialistic and i do not wan his presents. he can give me a photo frame for valentine's day, and i appreciate that. i know someone may have given him something much better and romantic, but i dun care. if he want something from me, there is no way i can afford something now. i am poor, and i will not go all out to pacify someone, and disregard my dad's money. he has been pushing me to look for tuition, and i am doing that, but now, it's not for him. it's for my family, to alleviate my family's finances. i will study hard and do my family proud.

my very first blog on my aj life. hmmm, i dunno what to write jus as yet. maybe i will channel some posts from my other blog.

anyway, this life also constitute a large part of my life. i never consider being aj means having a different life than what i am having. maybe it's part of what i had experienced and also been thru that i fully understand the significant.

to me, being aj is jus me. i am who i am. nothing can change that. however, a desire to post my alternative views grow stronger with each passing day. i would like to express my alternative views without people viewing me in a different light.

i will post some stuff abt what i had been thru these past few years since i came out. :)

cheerios